My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
you inspire me to be a worse person
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
