i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
