And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
