"it" just moved
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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