i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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