My Higher Power is John Stamos
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
