First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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