Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
