I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
