MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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