the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
