i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
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