I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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