I'm lost and stupid without you.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
