sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
