my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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