and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
