and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
