then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
