wat bout pragnant strippers??
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
