My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
