so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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