im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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