my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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