I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
