i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
