Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
