I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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