hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
