Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's official drugs can't kill me
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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