I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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