1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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