Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
