His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
