please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
