Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
