I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
