Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
