I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
