She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
