you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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