So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dear god my vagina.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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