How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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