she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
