Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
