How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
