I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
