he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
