You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
