woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
