I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
being pregnant is like rehab
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
