He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
