I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
3pm strippers are depressing
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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